Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
