so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
