theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
