i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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