I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
