Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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