I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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