dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
