He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
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I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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