I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
