my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
