Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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