i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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