She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
