the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
