I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
