you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
