I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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