I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
As shirtless as possible
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
