Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
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Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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