she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I could make wine with my vomit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
