I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die