I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.