I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways