Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
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Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just had sex on a roof
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.