Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.