I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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