You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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