Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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