Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
