Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
