a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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