shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
