Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
