Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
