I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
