i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
