I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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