i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
