Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She bit a glass in half.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize