Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
