Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
