I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
is wine microwaveable?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus