you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?