just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?