I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
