don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I checked into jail on foursquare
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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