Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
