I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
