I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
