i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
