Already got asked if we're dating
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
