Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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