Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
