Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
