he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Randomize
