she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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