I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
