she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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