look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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