she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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