I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
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I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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